My nerves will be the death of me.

Been a while, I don't post much these days, I'm almost scared to write what's on my mind in fear of what I'll be accused of next, but I don't write this for anyone but myself, I also don't expect anyone to read it.

It seems every time I go out, I end up falling all over the place drunk, even when I've not drunk alot at all. This is down to my meds, I'm not actually meant to drink on them but I do, as do most people to be honest. So in an attempt to be 'normal' I decided what's done is done and what was keeping me feeling low etc is in all my past now.. so I thought I'd just stop taking them, I was going to ween myself off them but it ended up in me going cold turkey, which resulted in some pretty awful withdrawal symptoms, I don't even think I could stress how awful it made me feel. I put up with this feeling for 3 days hoping I would wake up and it would be gone, but it wasn't so I just slept constantly.
I've pretty much concluded that the reason I felt ready to cut myself off them, was in fact because they were working in keeping my emotions at bay, or keeping me level headed however you want to put it.
At first I felt, I don't need this, I can get through whatever my mind is doing, on my own, I don't need help, but then comes along all these distressing thoughts and feelings. So I decided easiest way to tackle this is to just carry on taking them and don't drink the drinks that turn me into a wreckless idiot, unfortunately when faced which a choice, to please everyone else or to try and keep my sanity, I'm gonna be selfish and say fuck you, I need to do this for me.

Within hours I feel fine again, dizzyness is gone and my mood is on a level.

I've been listening to city and colour alot today, it seems I can relate to the lyrics of almost every single song, and I don't think I could find anything I'm more passionate about than listening to music that means something to me. I'm past the stage of trying to figure out what this is now, I just live with it, and I'm fine, I've accepted that I'll probably never control it, and I don't mind, I'm quite content.


I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice.