Sleeping Sickness

'Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night has taken sides'

It's 3am...pretty normal for me to be awake at this time. I can't think, about anything, without reducing myself to tears. This world is so heavy, I can barely hold it on my shoulders, I feel so weak, I feel so...nothing. I don't understand why I'm here, I hate every second of every day, I can't even justify my existence, I don't understand what I'm here for, I wake up every single day, but for what?
I don't want to die, I just want something to live for. And it all seems so easy on paper..so why do I find it so hard?
I have absolutely no control over the way I feel, and I feel so fucking lonely. I'm awake when everyone else sleeps, I'm asleep when everyone else is awake, I barely ever leave my house, I can't even make an appointment with the doctor... why is it so hard for me to just open my eyes?
I wish I knew the answer, but I don't, I don't know anything, all I know is that I'm miserable and that I can't bare to live like this forever, I'm trying so hard to be able to get up, and do something, but I just can't...

Frustrated, stuck, I need to find the strength to get up, and get out of this mess that I've created for myself. I can blame no one but myself, and I just want to find meaning to this life that I've been given.
I can no longer sleep until dusk, I wake up emotionally exhausted and I feel so incredibly guilty.
I thought my forte was in writing but I no longer feel I have what it takes to follow this through.
I just cannot do this to myself anymore, I'm an empty shell, yet inside my body is a smaller me screaming out, to get out, to be someone.
It's time to get motivated, as I can't do this forever, I'm lost.