I have so many thnoughts racing through my mind that I want to share, but I cannot process them quickly enough, so here goes.. Never for a split second did I think 2 years down the line I would be in the same position I was in then, I can't believe I am doing this, it terrifies me to think it may end the same way. I didn't sign up for this shit, is it possible that every human being I make a deep connection with already has this in them, or am I the disease? Am I so toxic that anyone I touch becomes toxic too? Like a black wave that's just waiting to take them out, suck any bit of goodness they may have inside of them and turn it into poison. Is it better for them if I walk away now and save their sanity? Because let's face it there's no saving me, I was lost a long time ago but I have come to terms with that fact, I know I will never be happy, so I'm content in knowing that. I can live with that, because I've learnt how to deal with waking up everyday wanting to die, it's a way of life, and all I want to do in life is get fucked up and free my mind from the mess it's turned into, I have no job (which is my fault anyway since I got myself fired) but how am I supposed to go back to work when I'm so scared of the outside world? I can barely socialise without a drink, or a group of friends as a security blanket. Why isn't anyone saving me? am I too far gone to even try?