Why are some men such egotistical idiots? It really infuriates me the way some act towards women, get a grip. This society is a joke, everything it stands for is a joke, the way men are bought up believing they are the superior gender, well guess what boys, you're not.

'I don't need to believe in something that wont save my sanity'

I was going to post twice because this is on a completely different subject but I'll just start here. I only wish I was as creative as this man, he explains almost 70% of what I cannot.

So here's to living life miserable
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

Maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

Finally, I could hope for a better day
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again I'll probably always feel this way.

Dallas Green, an absolute lyrical genius, there is nothing he writes that doesn't send me shivers or catch my ear. You'll probably see in my last post I decided I wanted to gain some control over my life, which to a certain extent I guess I have a plan for my future.. but for some reason not one part of me is bothered, why don't I care what happens to me? why don't I care about my future? If only I knew what caused me to feel this way, I wish I could blame someone.. but in reality I don't think I can, its just what happened, and maybe its always been here waiting for that moment where I lost myself, making that gap a little bigger for it to creep through and poison my mind, or what's left of it anyway. I don' even know who I am any more, or what I want. Is this me? or am I someone else, am I always going to feel this way? or is it just a moment passing in the many chapters of my life, there's so many questions I want to ask myself but I just don't have the answers, and I'm terrified I won't ever find them, where are the words to explain this?

Evening.

So I was told some really good advice a few days back, it really got me thinking.

'Take control'

Simple, but requires a lot of thought and frustration for someone like me, see I have always been the kind of person who hasn't ever managed to gain control of my life, its almost a weakness of mine, in fact it is a weakness, I meet someone of somewhat importance to me and I let them 'take control' for me, which is a bad habit I have decided its time to break. Until I can gain some control over where I'm headed, and where my life is going to go, I will never be happy. Surprisingly, today I thought so hard into this, I took as much control as I could for one day, went to college, thought about my future and proceeded to make a decision as to what to do for the next few months.
I then walked home, cleaned my house from tip to top, walked my dog, and as little as those things are, I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction, I felt happy, happier than I have felt in months.
I am adamant that I'm onto something, there comes a time where you really have to sit and think, 'am I going to sit and let my demons take over me forever?' Or am I going to make a life for myself, because at the end of the day, only I can chose my path, and when I wake up in the morning it should be me I think about, no one else.

I cannot let my past get in the way of my future, there is a reason its in my past, and I am strong enough to pull through, I will never let you dim my shine or put out my spark.

Emotional blackmail? I always try to think back to what made me who I am today, and how I am today. And its things like that, that make me realise why, how dare you? So I might be selfish, maybe a little lazy, but no more than any other human being, I always think of others, even in my current state of mind, compared to what he has put you through, it tears me up to even be in slight comparison.

Spiral back down, I'm to a point where this is frustrating me now. Please, fuck off, and leave me alone.
Give me back my sanity.


Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you?
Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me?