I feel strange, I barely remember writing my last post, and after I wrote it I O'd on anti depressants, sleeping pills, and anti psychotics, I don't remember much, I met a friend who says I appeared really drunk, and then my words started to slurr and I lost my balance, so he called an ambulence which I do not remember being in at all. They put wires on me and needles in me, which I kept ripping out and screaming at them that I didn't want anything.
I don't remember anything else, I just remember waking up the next day in a hospital bed, confused as to why or how I got there.
I don't feel like myself at the moment and I don't know what came over me, it's almost like I was possessed by something terrible. Everytime I think of how horrific it was I get shivers, it was like I was in a horror movie or something.. The doctors wanted to section me, but my mum begged them not to, so they let me out. I was so close to killing myself and I don't know how I feel about that,
I don't know what to do with myself, I felt like I could be getting my life back on track but now I feel lost again, back to square 1....

Lost

I feel totally lost at the moment, not myself.. I'm on so many prescription drugs, anti psychotics.. zopiclone...sertaline, which they want to increase. My last encounter with the Doctor, he seemed to notice how anxious I was, I was sweating, and my pupils were huge.
But apart fromt that life seemed a lot lighter, Not so hard.
I still don't have a proper job, and tbh I haven't been looking recently but I was starting to feel like I could maybe be in a place where I can start to build my life back up.
But then I started getting insomnia, and I'll do anything to feel something else, So I take my sleeping pills, usually more than I'm supposed to, smoke a spliff, and let myself fly high in this state of mind that leaves me thoughtless.
I have these issues that I just can't shift, I'm not always depressed, recently I've just been lazy and stuck in a rut more than feeling depressed. But I get these slight .. I wouldn't know what to call it, I just feel like everything is so hard, it's so hard to build back up when you have been down for so long, and right now my life is nothing, I need to realise I'm heading down a bad road. I have no job, I don't want to be jobless but I want to be able to hold a job down without getting fired all the time for being unreliable because I can't get out of bed sometimes.
I'm just lost in this world. I don't know where to place myself, where I'll be happy, but also accepted. I don't wanna let anyone down but the pressure to please them gets too much.

I was numb for so long, I don't care for relationships and connections, meaningless sex was as far as it went for me, and I even got bored of that. But these last few days my sex drive has gone through the roof, and all I want is someone to hold and to be with.... how long this feeling will last I don't know.
I start to wonder if this will ever go away...all the pills, the therapy... nothing ever changes so maybe it's time I deal with it myself, I'll get a job, have money, and just do the things I want to do. And I'll always come home to my empty bed, and my empty head, it's just there, I'm just here, moping around, wishing I could make myself a better person.
I find it so hard when people ask me what I do with my life, I get this horrible feeling come over me that I'm just a failure at life but its so much more complicated than me just not working.
My mind is a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings that I never know what to do with, and as much as I enjoy what most young adults do, going to events, and taking stupid amounts of drugs, raves and parties. That's as full as my life gets, I have good friends but I don't talk about this anymore, I've been dealing with it for nearly 2 years and I've had so many conversations about how I feel, but in the end, I'm on my own.
I'm alone, everyone is moving on, careers, education... and I'm stuck here.