Sleeping Sickness

'Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night has taken sides'

It's 3am...pretty normal for me to be awake at this time. I can't think, about anything, without reducing myself to tears. This world is so heavy, I can barely hold it on my shoulders, I feel so weak, I feel so...nothing. I don't understand why I'm here, I hate every second of every day, I can't even justify my existence, I don't understand what I'm here for, I wake up every single day, but for what?
I don't want to die, I just want something to live for. And it all seems so easy on paper..so why do I find it so hard?
I have absolutely no control over the way I feel, and I feel so fucking lonely. I'm awake when everyone else sleeps, I'm asleep when everyone else is awake, I barely ever leave my house, I can't even make an appointment with the doctor... why is it so hard for me to just open my eyes?
I wish I knew the answer, but I don't, I don't know anything, all I know is that I'm miserable and that I can't bare to live like this forever, I'm trying so hard to be able to get up, and do something, but I just can't...

Frustrated, stuck, I need to find the strength to get up, and get out of this mess that I've created for myself. I can blame no one but myself, and I just want to find meaning to this life that I've been given.
I can no longer sleep until dusk, I wake up emotionally exhausted and I feel so incredibly guilty.
I thought my forte was in writing but I no longer feel I have what it takes to follow this through.
I just cannot do this to myself anymore, I'm an empty shell, yet inside my body is a smaller me screaming out, to get out, to be someone.
It's time to get motivated, as I can't do this forever, I'm lost.

I feel strange, I barely remember writing my last post, and after I wrote it I O'd on anti depressants, sleeping pills, and anti psychotics, I don't remember much, I met a friend who says I appeared really drunk, and then my words started to slurr and I lost my balance, so he called an ambulence which I do not remember being in at all. They put wires on me and needles in me, which I kept ripping out and screaming at them that I didn't want anything.
I don't remember anything else, I just remember waking up the next day in a hospital bed, confused as to why or how I got there.
I don't feel like myself at the moment and I don't know what came over me, it's almost like I was possessed by something terrible. Everytime I think of how horrific it was I get shivers, it was like I was in a horror movie or something.. The doctors wanted to section me, but my mum begged them not to, so they let me out. I was so close to killing myself and I don't know how I feel about that,
I don't know what to do with myself, I felt like I could be getting my life back on track but now I feel lost again, back to square 1....

Lost

I feel totally lost at the moment, not myself.. I'm on so many prescription drugs, anti psychotics.. zopiclone...sertaline, which they want to increase. My last encounter with the Doctor, he seemed to notice how anxious I was, I was sweating, and my pupils were huge.
But apart fromt that life seemed a lot lighter, Not so hard.
I still don't have a proper job, and tbh I haven't been looking recently but I was starting to feel like I could maybe be in a place where I can start to build my life back up.
But then I started getting insomnia, and I'll do anything to feel something else, So I take my sleeping pills, usually more than I'm supposed to, smoke a spliff, and let myself fly high in this state of mind that leaves me thoughtless.
I have these issues that I just can't shift, I'm not always depressed, recently I've just been lazy and stuck in a rut more than feeling depressed. But I get these slight .. I wouldn't know what to call it, I just feel like everything is so hard, it's so hard to build back up when you have been down for so long, and right now my life is nothing, I need to realise I'm heading down a bad road. I have no job, I don't want to be jobless but I want to be able to hold a job down without getting fired all the time for being unreliable because I can't get out of bed sometimes.
I'm just lost in this world. I don't know where to place myself, where I'll be happy, but also accepted. I don't wanna let anyone down but the pressure to please them gets too much.

I was numb for so long, I don't care for relationships and connections, meaningless sex was as far as it went for me, and I even got bored of that. But these last few days my sex drive has gone through the roof, and all I want is someone to hold and to be with.... how long this feeling will last I don't know.
I start to wonder if this will ever go away...all the pills, the therapy... nothing ever changes so maybe it's time I deal with it myself, I'll get a job, have money, and just do the things I want to do. And I'll always come home to my empty bed, and my empty head, it's just there, I'm just here, moping around, wishing I could make myself a better person.
I find it so hard when people ask me what I do with my life, I get this horrible feeling come over me that I'm just a failure at life but its so much more complicated than me just not working.
My mind is a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings that I never know what to do with, and as much as I enjoy what most young adults do, going to events, and taking stupid amounts of drugs, raves and parties. That's as full as my life gets, I have good friends but I don't talk about this anymore, I've been dealing with it for nearly 2 years and I've had so many conversations about how I feel, but in the end, I'm on my own.
I'm alone, everyone is moving on, careers, education... and I'm stuck here.

Hello.

I don't use this blog very much anymore, I mean I guess I just haven't really had much to say..
I got a job, finally, I also met someone, and did the worst possible thing I could have done, treated him the same way I was treated, and for that I feel so much remorse and sorrow.
I can't believe I let myself become such a foul human being. As for myself... I feel I have now come out of what was a very dark time in my life, I still feel up and down but I don't experience what I once did.
I'm just bored of this life.. I'm stuck in this little nothing town, I feel trapped. I want to escape so badly, Start a new life somewhere else... Yeah I'll miss people but whoever means something to me won't be far from a thought or a phonecall, even a visit, and I'd hope to think that goes both ways.
I'm planning on going to America, getting away from here for good.
I want to fall in love again, I'm not scared anymore.. I felt so numb for such a long time, but I finally feel ready to give my heart to someone, and I think I'll know when it feels right.

I haven't posted in a while, I suppose it's because I don't have much to say. I like that no one really reads this blog, it means I can pour my heart out. I feel like there is a brick wall between me and life, I have no desire to live, part of me knows I should, but where is the motivation?
'There is no relief this world can offer me.' I just can't seem to find my place, so much bad is happening in this world and no one cares, nothing is done, and when you are the victim, how do you get justice when everyone is finding every excuse to make sure you deserved what you got, or at least to make you believe that. And it is fucking bullshit, I just can't go on living, knowing what I know, seeing what I have seen, and being the victim of some of these crimes.
It makes me sick, I don't want to leave my house, not even in the evenings anymore, In fear of what I might whitness, or get the brunt of next.
Why is it acceptable for these things to happen, and how do people expect you to carry on pretending it isn't happening?
I don't understand.
I'm surrounded by black cloud, and I just want to hide away, but I want to be one of the few good people in this world, so I will do what I can to raise awareness and make sure ignorant people open their eyes.