I have so many thnoughts racing through my mind that I want to share, but I cannot process them quickly enough, so here goes.. Never for a split second did I think 2 years down the line I would be in the same position I was in then, I can't believe I am doing this, it terrifies me to think it may end the same way. I didn't sign up for this shit, is it possible that every human being I make a deep connection with already has this in them, or am I the disease? Am I so toxic that anyone I touch becomes toxic too? Like a black wave that's just waiting to take them out, suck any bit of goodness they may have inside of them and turn it into poison. Is it better for them if I walk away now and save their sanity? Because let's face it there's no saving me, I was lost a long time ago but I have come to terms with that fact, I know I will never be happy, so I'm content in knowing that. I can live with that, because I've learnt how to deal with waking up everyday wanting to die, it's a way of life, and all I want to do in life is get fucked up and free my mind from the mess it's turned into, I have no job (which is my fault anyway since I got myself fired) but how am I supposed to go back to work when I'm so scared of the outside world? I can barely socialise without a drink, or a group of friends as a security blanket. Why isn't anyone saving me? am I too far gone to even try?

it feels like the only way to get on in life is too sit down and shut up.

a woman with an opinion, letalone a strong one is only seen as agressive, i can not speak out without beingseen as angry, this is not the case, i simply am my own person, but it feels as if the human race cannot possibly handle me. so i kind of feel as if i'd be better alone, to make no effort what so ever and keep myself to myself, to be conditioned like every other motherfucker.

i felt this coming, what goes up must come down.. 'i thought i could escape, but then i finally felt the weight of my crimes' i'm back in that hole, somewhere i never wanted to find myself again, €and the worst part is i dont know why. but i'm alone, no one wants to know you when you're down. so everything i've built... i'm waiting for it to crash around me. 'all your friends seem like enemies, when youre broken down and empty' it feels like the only relief is suicide, but im too tired for that, if i could just sleep until this all blows over, then maybe id have some hope. but i dont know what to do, but isolate, no one understands so why burden them with my prescence? im never going to be able to control this, but where the fuck did it all begin? how did i lose myself? my self control? when did i become so unhappy? and will it ever stop? will there ever come a day when the world doesnt feel so heavy, like its me against the world. my heart is racing, i feel weak and tired, yet my mind wont stop racing with thoughts i can barely process into sentances. people that bought me happiness only bring me misery now, i just want nothing more than to make them feel the pain i feel.

I'm so frustrated! I just wanna be successful.. and the only thing stopping me is myself, I'm my own worst enemy, half of me is striving to push myself to the limits, the other half is terrified and holding me back. I wish I knew how to release that fear, because I realize now the problem is me. I hate myself for it, why can't I go anywhere? why am I even saying I can't, I know I can, I'm just too fucking scared to try.
I need to untangle this mess of thoughts and figure out where I wanna go, and I need to do it fast because time is ticking and I feel the longer I sit here, the longer my brain rots and the deeper I get stuck in this rut.
I wanna believe in myself, but I have no faith, I need to completely reconstruct my thought pattern. At least I know what the problem is now, all I gotta do is figure out what's going to make me happy in life.

Trying to dig my brain, trying to dig out these issues that keep me awake until the break of dawn, in reality I can't blame anyone, I want to, I know my parents splitting up when I was 4 has something to do with why I hate myself so much.
My mum blames my dad, she can't stress enough of how bad he was as a father, where as he can't stress enough how he wishes he fought to bring me up.
I was stuck in the middle of this constant battle, and here I am, completely fucked.
So stressed, so in debt, I'm such a mess.
It's time to let go of the past, and build bridges. I know it wasn't perfect, I know I didn't always get what I needed, but this isn't about money, don't they get it, I don't care about the money.
I'm stuck in this state of mind, where I can't quite word how I'm feeling I just know I can't live like this. I don't wanna die I just wanna learn how to live. Where is my quality of life? I wake up some days and I can't even cope with the light shining through my bedroom window, its constant darkness, constant fear of the unknown.
I blaze all the time just to escape my brain, but I'm left clouded, lethargic, unmotivated.
I need help, I need to face this, why can't I face this?