I have so many thnoughts racing through my mind that I want to share, but I cannot process them quickly enough, so here goes.. Never for a split second did I think 2 years down the line I would be in the same position I was in then, I can't believe I am doing this, it terrifies me to think it may end the same way. I didn't sign up for this shit, is it possible that every human being I make a deep connection with already has this in them, or am I the disease? Am I so toxic that anyone I touch becomes toxic too? Like a black wave that's just waiting to take them out, suck any bit of goodness they may have inside of them and turn it into poison. Is it better for them if I walk away now and save their sanity? Because let's face it there's no saving me, I was lost a long time ago but I have come to terms with that fact, I know I will never be happy, so I'm content in knowing that. I can live with that, because I've learnt how to deal with waking up everyday wanting to die, it's a way of life, and all I want to do in life is get fucked up and free my mind from the mess it's turned into, I have no job (which is my fault anyway since I got myself fired) but how am I supposed to go back to work when I'm so scared of the outside world? I can barely socialise without a drink, or a group of friends as a security blanket. Why isn't anyone saving me? am I too far gone to even try?

it feels like the only way to get on in life is too sit down and shut up.

a woman with an opinion, letalone a strong one is only seen as agressive, i can not speak out without beingseen as angry, this is not the case, i simply am my own person, but it feels as if the human race cannot possibly handle me. so i kind of feel as if i'd be better alone, to make no effort what so ever and keep myself to myself, to be conditioned like every other motherfucker.

i felt this coming, what goes up must come down.. 'i thought i could escape, but then i finally felt the weight of my crimes' i'm back in that hole, somewhere i never wanted to find myself again, €and the worst part is i dont know why. but i'm alone, no one wants to know you when you're down. so everything i've built... i'm waiting for it to crash around me. 'all your friends seem like enemies, when youre broken down and empty' it feels like the only relief is suicide, but im too tired for that, if i could just sleep until this all blows over, then maybe id have some hope. but i dont know what to do, but isolate, no one understands so why burden them with my prescence? im never going to be able to control this, but where the fuck did it all begin? how did i lose myself? my self control? when did i become so unhappy? and will it ever stop? will there ever come a day when the world doesnt feel so heavy, like its me against the world. my heart is racing, i feel weak and tired, yet my mind wont stop racing with thoughts i can barely process into sentances. people that bought me happiness only bring me misery now, i just want nothing more than to make them feel the pain i feel.

I'm so frustrated! I just wanna be successful.. and the only thing stopping me is myself, I'm my own worst enemy, half of me is striving to push myself to the limits, the other half is terrified and holding me back. I wish I knew how to release that fear, because I realize now the problem is me. I hate myself for it, why can't I go anywhere? why am I even saying I can't, I know I can, I'm just too fucking scared to try.
I need to untangle this mess of thoughts and figure out where I wanna go, and I need to do it fast because time is ticking and I feel the longer I sit here, the longer my brain rots and the deeper I get stuck in this rut.
I wanna believe in myself, but I have no faith, I need to completely reconstruct my thought pattern. At least I know what the problem is now, all I gotta do is figure out what's going to make me happy in life.

Trying to dig my brain, trying to dig out these issues that keep me awake until the break of dawn, in reality I can't blame anyone, I want to, I know my parents splitting up when I was 4 has something to do with why I hate myself so much.
My mum blames my dad, she can't stress enough of how bad he was as a father, where as he can't stress enough how he wishes he fought to bring me up.
I was stuck in the middle of this constant battle, and here I am, completely fucked.
So stressed, so in debt, I'm such a mess.
It's time to let go of the past, and build bridges. I know it wasn't perfect, I know I didn't always get what I needed, but this isn't about money, don't they get it, I don't care about the money.
I'm stuck in this state of mind, where I can't quite word how I'm feeling I just know I can't live like this. I don't wanna die I just wanna learn how to live. Where is my quality of life? I wake up some days and I can't even cope with the light shining through my bedroom window, its constant darkness, constant fear of the unknown.
I blaze all the time just to escape my brain, but I'm left clouded, lethargic, unmotivated.
I need help, I need to face this, why can't I face this?

Sleeping Sickness

'Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night has taken sides'

It's 3am...pretty normal for me to be awake at this time. I can't think, about anything, without reducing myself to tears. This world is so heavy, I can barely hold it on my shoulders, I feel so weak, I feel so...nothing. I don't understand why I'm here, I hate every second of every day, I can't even justify my existence, I don't understand what I'm here for, I wake up every single day, but for what?
I don't want to die, I just want something to live for. And it all seems so easy on paper..so why do I find it so hard?
I have absolutely no control over the way I feel, and I feel so fucking lonely. I'm awake when everyone else sleeps, I'm asleep when everyone else is awake, I barely ever leave my house, I can't even make an appointment with the doctor... why is it so hard for me to just open my eyes?
I wish I knew the answer, but I don't, I don't know anything, all I know is that I'm miserable and that I can't bare to live like this forever, I'm trying so hard to be able to get up, and do something, but I just can't...

Frustrated, stuck, I need to find the strength to get up, and get out of this mess that I've created for myself. I can blame no one but myself, and I just want to find meaning to this life that I've been given.
I can no longer sleep until dusk, I wake up emotionally exhausted and I feel so incredibly guilty.
I thought my forte was in writing but I no longer feel I have what it takes to follow this through.
I just cannot do this to myself anymore, I'm an empty shell, yet inside my body is a smaller me screaming out, to get out, to be someone.
It's time to get motivated, as I can't do this forever, I'm lost.

I feel strange, I barely remember writing my last post, and after I wrote it I O'd on anti depressants, sleeping pills, and anti psychotics, I don't remember much, I met a friend who says I appeared really drunk, and then my words started to slurr and I lost my balance, so he called an ambulence which I do not remember being in at all. They put wires on me and needles in me, which I kept ripping out and screaming at them that I didn't want anything.
I don't remember anything else, I just remember waking up the next day in a hospital bed, confused as to why or how I got there.
I don't feel like myself at the moment and I don't know what came over me, it's almost like I was possessed by something terrible. Everytime I think of how horrific it was I get shivers, it was like I was in a horror movie or something.. The doctors wanted to section me, but my mum begged them not to, so they let me out. I was so close to killing myself and I don't know how I feel about that,
I don't know what to do with myself, I felt like I could be getting my life back on track but now I feel lost again, back to square 1....

Lost

I feel totally lost at the moment, not myself.. I'm on so many prescription drugs, anti psychotics.. zopiclone...sertaline, which they want to increase. My last encounter with the Doctor, he seemed to notice how anxious I was, I was sweating, and my pupils were huge.
But apart fromt that life seemed a lot lighter, Not so hard.
I still don't have a proper job, and tbh I haven't been looking recently but I was starting to feel like I could maybe be in a place where I can start to build my life back up.
But then I started getting insomnia, and I'll do anything to feel something else, So I take my sleeping pills, usually more than I'm supposed to, smoke a spliff, and let myself fly high in this state of mind that leaves me thoughtless.
I have these issues that I just can't shift, I'm not always depressed, recently I've just been lazy and stuck in a rut more than feeling depressed. But I get these slight .. I wouldn't know what to call it, I just feel like everything is so hard, it's so hard to build back up when you have been down for so long, and right now my life is nothing, I need to realise I'm heading down a bad road. I have no job, I don't want to be jobless but I want to be able to hold a job down without getting fired all the time for being unreliable because I can't get out of bed sometimes.
I'm just lost in this world. I don't know where to place myself, where I'll be happy, but also accepted. I don't wanna let anyone down but the pressure to please them gets too much.

I was numb for so long, I don't care for relationships and connections, meaningless sex was as far as it went for me, and I even got bored of that. But these last few days my sex drive has gone through the roof, and all I want is someone to hold and to be with.... how long this feeling will last I don't know.
I start to wonder if this will ever go away...all the pills, the therapy... nothing ever changes so maybe it's time I deal with it myself, I'll get a job, have money, and just do the things I want to do. And I'll always come home to my empty bed, and my empty head, it's just there, I'm just here, moping around, wishing I could make myself a better person.
I find it so hard when people ask me what I do with my life, I get this horrible feeling come over me that I'm just a failure at life but its so much more complicated than me just not working.
My mind is a whirlpool of thoughts and feelings that I never know what to do with, and as much as I enjoy what most young adults do, going to events, and taking stupid amounts of drugs, raves and parties. That's as full as my life gets, I have good friends but I don't talk about this anymore, I've been dealing with it for nearly 2 years and I've had so many conversations about how I feel, but in the end, I'm on my own.
I'm alone, everyone is moving on, careers, education... and I'm stuck here.

Hello.

I don't use this blog very much anymore, I mean I guess I just haven't really had much to say..
I got a job, finally, I also met someone, and did the worst possible thing I could have done, treated him the same way I was treated, and for that I feel so much remorse and sorrow.
I can't believe I let myself become such a foul human being. As for myself... I feel I have now come out of what was a very dark time in my life, I still feel up and down but I don't experience what I once did.
I'm just bored of this life.. I'm stuck in this little nothing town, I feel trapped. I want to escape so badly, Start a new life somewhere else... Yeah I'll miss people but whoever means something to me won't be far from a thought or a phonecall, even a visit, and I'd hope to think that goes both ways.
I'm planning on going to America, getting away from here for good.
I want to fall in love again, I'm not scared anymore.. I felt so numb for such a long time, but I finally feel ready to give my heart to someone, and I think I'll know when it feels right.