Sleep

Or lack of, has a really bad effect on my mood, I was so happy for once and now I feel like death, I can't handle speaking to anyone or anyone speaking to me because all I want to do is rip their fucking heads off.
I need sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep URGH.

''Depression is, especially these days, an overused term to be sure, but never one associated with anything wild, anything about dancing all night with a lampshade on your head and then going home and killing yourself…''

What is life? or at least what is mine... I feel like I'm just floating along in a meaningless pit, I don't feel like there's a purpose to me. I want to sleep all the time, even when I wake up I'm exhausted, I could wake up and look for a job but why? am I just lazy? Why can't I get up every morning like any other person and go to work? The only enjoyment I get out of life is sleeping, getting so fucked up I feel numb, seeing my friends and watching movies.
Maybe I need someone to make me feel alive, excite me, because right now everything seems dull, and tedious, I'm getting bored but what's the point in change.. I feel like there is a black cloud hanging over my head and it gets heavier and heavier until I can barely move.
My mind is a bottomless pit that I am scared to death of, I don't want to think but I can't help myself, and whilst this is how I feel, I'm also fine with how I am, I kinda like it this way.

''In a strange way I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because I thought it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my agony.''

I couldn't explain it better than that, I genuinely feel like I wouldn't have it any other way, after all what have I got going for me other than the fact that I'm fucked up? It feels like its the only thing I can rely on, I mean without my illness, what would I be?
And that's a fucked up way of thinking of it.

Why are some men such egotistical idiots? It really infuriates me the way some act towards women, get a grip. This society is a joke, everything it stands for is a joke, the way men are bought up believing they are the superior gender, well guess what boys, you're not.

'I don't need to believe in something that wont save my sanity'

I was going to post twice because this is on a completely different subject but I'll just start here. I only wish I was as creative as this man, he explains almost 70% of what I cannot.

So here's to living life miserable
And here's to all the lonely stories that I've told
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle

Maybe then I could sleep at night
I wouldn't lie awake until the morning light
This is something that I'll never control
My nerves will be the death of me, I know

Finally, I could hope for a better day
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn't seem so heavy
But then again I'll probably always feel this way.

Dallas Green, an absolute lyrical genius, there is nothing he writes that doesn't send me shivers or catch my ear. You'll probably see in my last post I decided I wanted to gain some control over my life, which to a certain extent I guess I have a plan for my future.. but for some reason not one part of me is bothered, why don't I care what happens to me? why don't I care about my future? If only I knew what caused me to feel this way, I wish I could blame someone.. but in reality I don't think I can, its just what happened, and maybe its always been here waiting for that moment where I lost myself, making that gap a little bigger for it to creep through and poison my mind, or what's left of it anyway. I don' even know who I am any more, or what I want. Is this me? or am I someone else, am I always going to feel this way? or is it just a moment passing in the many chapters of my life, there's so many questions I want to ask myself but I just don't have the answers, and I'm terrified I won't ever find them, where are the words to explain this?

Evening.

So I was told some really good advice a few days back, it really got me thinking.

'Take control'

Simple, but requires a lot of thought and frustration for someone like me, see I have always been the kind of person who hasn't ever managed to gain control of my life, its almost a weakness of mine, in fact it is a weakness, I meet someone of somewhat importance to me and I let them 'take control' for me, which is a bad habit I have decided its time to break. Until I can gain some control over where I'm headed, and where my life is going to go, I will never be happy. Surprisingly, today I thought so hard into this, I took as much control as I could for one day, went to college, thought about my future and proceeded to make a decision as to what to do for the next few months.
I then walked home, cleaned my house from tip to top, walked my dog, and as little as those things are, I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction, I felt happy, happier than I have felt in months.
I am adamant that I'm onto something, there comes a time where you really have to sit and think, 'am I going to sit and let my demons take over me forever?' Or am I going to make a life for myself, because at the end of the day, only I can chose my path, and when I wake up in the morning it should be me I think about, no one else.

I cannot let my past get in the way of my future, there is a reason its in my past, and I am strong enough to pull through, I will never let you dim my shine or put out my spark.

Emotional blackmail? I always try to think back to what made me who I am today, and how I am today. And its things like that, that make me realise why, how dare you? So I might be selfish, maybe a little lazy, but no more than any other human being, I always think of others, even in my current state of mind, compared to what he has put you through, it tears me up to even be in slight comparison.

Spiral back down, I'm to a point where this is frustrating me now. Please, fuck off, and leave me alone.
Give me back my sanity.


Why did I have to go and meet somebody like you?
Why do you have to go and hurt somebody like me?

She’s got you thinking this is how you’re supposed to be. Well, it’s not! We’re young. We’re supposed to drink too much. We’re supposed to have bad attitudes and shag each other’s brains out. We are designed to party. This is it. Yeah, so a few of us will overdose or go mental. But Charles Darwin said you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. And that’s what it’s all about - breaking eggs! And by eggs, I do mean, getting twatted on a cocktail of Class As. If you could just see yourselves! It breaks my heart. You’re wearing cardigans! We had it all. We fucked up bigger and better than any generation that came before us. We were so beautiful! We’re screw-ups. I’m a screw-up and I plan to be a screw-up until my late 20s, maybe even my early 30s. And I will shag my own mother before I let her… or anyone else, take that away from me.

Heartless

For once my eyes are open to you, and everything you've said
For once your web of lies is in the open
I gave you everything I had, until I had nothing left
Still you act as if I'm just a burden
I've finally let go
Stay silent at least for now, and let me move on
Cause I'm so done playing these games with my heart
I've been around the world and back for you, and now its time to choose
I've been swallowed by this wreck that you call your life
I'm damaged from the inside. I've been broken
Don't threaten me with what you think I feel
If you could read my mind you'd be in tears
I'm sick of your excuses you hold above me
I've finally come to terms with what I am
I'm nothing in your eyes, and this will not change. I'm living in a dream
Stay silent at least for now, and let me move on
Cause I'm so done playing these games with my heart
I've been around the world and back for you, and now its time to choose
And I'll close my eyes, and dream of a better time
when I'm finally past this and happy on my own
I've done all I can, and I've still been cast aside
All I ever wanted to be was be the one who would wipe those tears from your eyes
But I guess I'll play second best, to a world that will never care about you
When will you understand to them you're just another pretty face?
You'll tell me that you care, and then you run straight back to her
I can hear your words of treason from a mile away
You never did know how to whisper
You're such a liar. Tell me the truth
Do the world a favor stop cutting your arms, and slit your throat.

Good evening.

I feel like death warmed up today, mentally I'm feeling quite productive, but unfortunately my body is saying other things.
I went out to dark party last night for the first time in a month or so, considering I went with next to no money, I had a pretty awesome night, goes to show all you need is good company and the night will be a win.
Last weekend I got a little too drunk and ended up getting tattooed, a heart on my finger, and an anti Christ on my ankle (yeah I know, I'm going to hell) anyway the heart was clearly too deep and now looks like a piece of play dough that has had a shape cut into it LOL. I'm not too worried as when it heals I will just get it re done... sober. I got another heart on my right hand on Friday afternoon, a broken heart this time, oh this is me all over isn't it haha, this one appears to be healing nicely, for such small tattoos its almost crazy how addicted I have already become, I have so many planned and I'm so excited to make a start!

Sweet

Born and raised

We were born and raised
To live beyond
The heft and weight of a world undone
Like a bird from the north
Our hearts will roam in search of warmth.


I don't think I ever realised, just quite how far under I let myself slip... So we're half way through 2010, and this year has by far been one of the worst I can remember. The last few months were more than hard, I think I hit a place that clouded my mind up so much, now when I try to remember how I felt all I see is a mist.. Its only when I hear certain songs or music that I listened to religiously at that point in my 'break down' or whatever you want to call it, that I think to myself.. wow, when did I become so weak, at least at that time I thought I was weak, I mean even now I'm not fully recovered, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I literally couldn't explain where my head was at, there is no possible way, and its probably one of the hardest things that someone could try and understand. I was so wreckless, I didn't care, to a point I still don't, but I'm definitely stronger now.

'I tell my friends, it won't be long
Before it's time for me to come back home
It feels like I'm ready for anything
If you can wait for me.'

I am coming home, I'm scared that I will fall back into a black hole, because even remembering, just brings me down, makes me want to sleep and not wake up.
I can honestly say, I've lost some, I've gained some, but at least I know what's real and what isn't now.. I think I'm getting back on track, I hope so, and I can hope.

I'm just cleaning up the mess I made, a toast to the future.

My nerves will be the death of me.

Been a while, I don't post much these days, I'm almost scared to write what's on my mind in fear of what I'll be accused of next, but I don't write this for anyone but myself, I also don't expect anyone to read it.

It seems every time I go out, I end up falling all over the place drunk, even when I've not drunk alot at all. This is down to my meds, I'm not actually meant to drink on them but I do, as do most people to be honest. So in an attempt to be 'normal' I decided what's done is done and what was keeping me feeling low etc is in all my past now.. so I thought I'd just stop taking them, I was going to ween myself off them but it ended up in me going cold turkey, which resulted in some pretty awful withdrawal symptoms, I don't even think I could stress how awful it made me feel. I put up with this feeling for 3 days hoping I would wake up and it would be gone, but it wasn't so I just slept constantly.
I've pretty much concluded that the reason I felt ready to cut myself off them, was in fact because they were working in keeping my emotions at bay, or keeping me level headed however you want to put it.
At first I felt, I don't need this, I can get through whatever my mind is doing, on my own, I don't need help, but then comes along all these distressing thoughts and feelings. So I decided easiest way to tackle this is to just carry on taking them and don't drink the drinks that turn me into a wreckless idiot, unfortunately when faced which a choice, to please everyone else or to try and keep my sanity, I'm gonna be selfish and say fuck you, I need to do this for me.

Within hours I feel fine again, dizzyness is gone and my mood is on a level.

I've been listening to city and colour alot today, it seems I can relate to the lyrics of almost every single song, and I don't think I could find anything I'm more passionate about than listening to music that means something to me. I'm past the stage of trying to figure out what this is now, I just live with it, and I'm fine, I've accepted that I'll probably never control it, and I don't mind, I'm quite content.


I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down.

And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I'll never find the words to say which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

I've become a simple souvenir of someone's kill
And like the sea, I'm constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole
Oh, how I'm breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead,
But now it's like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice.

owwh

mmmmmmmmm

Done done and onto the next one.

“I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society.” - Marilyn Manson

Probably the best quote I have ever read, that really spoke to me. I think its time people grow up, and stop judging other people when they really don't have any insight to what goes on behind closed doors, or what peoples circumstances may be.
This is why I dislike girls.
You're such a bitch, so dramatic, and quite frankly I find it pathetic. I'm a free spirit, I do what I want, I don't judge people and I don't look down on anyone. I am happy to be friends with whoever, they don't have to be a certain level of 'cool' to be a nice person.
I don't follow this little crowd of trying to please everyone around me, I'm a human being, I make mistakes, so what? I'm not looking for sympathy, we all have issues, I am just expressing my emotions, which I will continue to do, whether people approve of me or not.
You're a sheep.
Its time to get over yourself.

Been a while

Since I last posted, I literally don't care much for anything any more, my actions have consequences but I'd rather bury my head in the sand than face reality. There's only a few little things that stay in my heart, and those are the things I'll never give up caring about. Its quite a nice feeling to just let go... it feels freeing in a way, like every weight can be lifted, but at the same time it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I feel like I've got to a point where I just don't care what people have to say about me, those who decide they want to have a say in who I am and what I do, aren't worth my time. And I am who I am, I don't try to please anyone, and I never will, I literally couldn't give a fuck if I go out and make a complete ass of myself.
Its pretty weird reading back the past few months of my blog... to just watch my moods and how much I've changed. I can't get my head around how you can completely lose your mind due to loss, or something traumatic happening in your life.
I feel so over-dramatic but unless you're in my head its impossible to even consider trying to understand what it feels like to feel trapped in your own mind, to be in such a dark place you can't escape, to be judged on every move you make, when you don't even think before you do things, and unless you know where I'm at, I don't think its anyone's place to judge me, or anyone else going through what I am, on the poor choices they make at this point in their lives. Although we all know that's impossible to do, because people will always judge you, your closest friends will always judge you, but I'm not sorry for who I am, or how I am right now, I don't even care, and the worst thing is that I'm so aware of what's happening, but I just don't care and I can't stop it, because I've lost control.

anxiety chokes me like razorwire

I'm so dizzy, I feel so disorientated, I'm just lying in my bed listening to alexisonfire trying not to pass out.

Up, down

I wish this unknowing feeling wouldn't stick around... I can't help but freak out about my future, what is it going to be, is it even going to be? I feel like I've fallen down a well and I'm fighting and clawing trying to climb back up but I just keep falling down, and I'm running out of energy, I don't wanna fight anymore, I just wanna let go, and be in peace. It scares me to death when I dig deep into my mind looking for answers, cause all I find is darkness, how did I let this happen to me? How did I suddenly lose faith in myself, or maybe I never had any in the first place?

My sleeping pattern has been so messed up, firstly I couldn't sleep at all, then suddenly I was falling asleep at 10:30, yet waking up during the night. Last night was very disturbed and all I could do was toss and turn. But all I really wanna do is fall into a deep sleep, it seems to make it go away. Someone save me from myself.

Tell me that you're alright

Mm I went to a 50's bbq on saturday night, I absolutely adored how everyone looked! Oh how I wish I lived in a different time... a simpler time, where we didn't need computers or internet.




It seems lately I'm pretty hated! Not sure who by... and I cared at first but to be honest, I really don't anymore, I know I'm not a bad person, and thats all that matters.
Definitely relating to Motion city soundtrack - Everything is alright, If I'm feeling low or crappy, this song always always cheers me up, its such a feel good song. Reminds me that I'm alive.

Been a while

Since I last posted... Wow, I'm kind of crazy now haha. Things are a million times better, I don't long for you anymore. I found something that seems to make it better.
The weathers been so lovely these last couple of weeks! I've partied so hard, a little too hard some might say, I've pretty much pissed off everyone around me, unintentionally obviously. I feel bad for that but I also feel that Just because you see me smile doesn't mean I'm absolutely fine, pay some attention to detail. I love you all so much and you should know me better than to think I would want to make you all hate me at this time in my life, I don't need you to understand, just to realise why I might be acting out.

Its 4/20 today and I most deffinately am going to take a nice walk and get high now! x

My life for hire

I haven't posted an actual blog in a while, so just for an update... Things are looking up, and down, its confusing really, the last 3 weeks have been the hardest, and I start to feel like its slowly healing, and then all of a sudden it hits me harder, at least I can function now, I guess.

I got my appetite back and its bigger than ever, haha. I'm not sure I know how to feel any more, I decided not thinking and taking each day as it comes was the best way to handle this, but even so I can't block you from my thoughts, In a way I feel like you're invading my privacy, my brain, my space. When you left, you really left, you cut me off, you didn't even care, at all, and you left me in pieces... so why do you deserve to take over my brain and make me feel this way? I'm so angry now.. I feel so betrayed. I don't want to feel this way anymore, but I don't know how to make it disappear.

For some reason I'm still here, and still fighting, I guess this is just what love is, right? because why else would I still be here? Whatever, I'm living, I'm breathing, and I'm moving on.

Just a few things

So for the last few hours I have been admiring clothes I want to buy!

mmm vintage levi's, I already own a pair but they're just not high waisted enough.



I love thiiisss its so awesome, its mens but I don't care :)

Just a few things on my wishlist haha :)

I don't believe

That you will ever truly be happy until you can learn to be yourself, and not just try to please everyone else, do what you want, don't let anyone tell you who to be and how to act. Because that wont make you happy.

I hate this

This weekend has been so crazy, in an attempt to forget my troubles and have fun I went out on Saturday, it was a really good night, got so messed up though, ended up back at someone's house with a few friends to carry on partying and we didn't even sleep.
Anyway I got home at about 4/5 on Sunday evening, by this time I was sober so all my sane thoughts had arrived back in my head, and right now I'd rather forget.
Today has probably been one of the most eventful in a while, I thought I was doing the right thing, well I know I was, but it doesn't matter what you do and how hard you try because you're never going to stop being tested, and I don't believe in karma, for the simple fact that I've done so much good for this, and all that has come of it is hurt, pain, anger..etc, and even though you hate me, I will never hate you, I will only hate the fact that I love you so much and that's not enough.

Thanks.

Its a lovely day, I just got paid

Mm, thought I would do a little bit of shopping today, to lift my mood, Oh it worked wonders. I purchased a very lovely Coral body con dress from asos, along with the opal ring I wanted to buy! I then went on to ebay and decided to purchase some lilac Barry M nail polish, along with button moon nail polish, and also some coral lipstick, haha.

I thought I'd head into town to get some hair dye as my roots are awful and then I remembered I had found a gold bracelet at Ashridge on Sunday, so I decided to see if I could sell it, and to my surprise I got £20 for it, not bad eh.
So I decided to buy make up to add to the 6 foundations I already have sitting on my shelf that I don't use, lol.

Rainy days

Today has been the cloudiest, rainiest, darkest day..
I don't think I could quite explain my feelings today, up and down I suppose.
I've been through so much in the last 2 months, and I'm still standing, so I beg of you try to push me down because I'm not going to budge. I hate that you can be the most loyal of people, you can do no wrong, and it still all blows up in your face, it makes me wonder what is the point of it all, why even bother in the first place when there's no happy ending.

On a more positive note I won't give up trying, because I feel there's more to come, and I feel like giving up on you would make me a failure, and I won't fail. This illness seems to have gotten the better of you, and that's fine because I can wait.

Mmmm

How cute is this! Yummy.

Choose Life

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday night. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.


One of my all time favourite quotes. Trainspotting.

Happy sunday

Its kind of strange to think of celebrating a day for my mum, and as much as I love and appreciate being put on this earth because of her, I can't say we've ever had a close nit relationship, if a relationship at all to be honest... its something I have always wished for and always wanted, but for some reason nothing ever changes. I sometimes look at my friends with their mums, and I think to myself what it would be like to have my mum as my friend, I'm a little envious when my friends get a call or a text from their mum just to see how they are, or just checking up on them, and I'm aware that sounds silly, and If you're that person that receives it then I'm sure it gets tedious and irritating!

but when you've never experienced it, its almost something I long for. Even when I was a little girl, I would stay at friends houses for weeks on end, and nothing, not even a phone call, And I'm not saying my mum is a bad mum because she isn't at all, but I think she holds up a barrier to all her emotions including what she shows for her children. If I have learned anything from growing up this way, its that I know when/if I ever decide to have children, I will always try to be more than just 'mum'.

G'evening

Hey, managed to coax myself out of bed this morning, although I won't lie it was hard. I went and met some of my friends for lunch and we ended up staying in there for 3 hours or so just chatting shit to each other aha. Some people need to sit down and take a good hard look in the mirror at themselves, is it possible that one person could be so aggressive? I can honestly say when I'm around them its almost as if I have to zip my mouth shut, you make me feel uncomfortable.
Anyway on a lighter note, I've had a pretty good day, perked up, felt happy, but I feel like that's all slipping to the back of my mind again. Yesterday I almost thought I wanted to feel this way, today I'm feeling positive, I will bring myself back from this, I'm determined, and I hope to God that everything works out In my favour in the end.

Hopefully I'm going to be able to spend some time with my other half tonight! who knows.
Hmm totally off subject but isn't it funny that people don't have the guts or the respect to say anything to your face, they hide behind anything they can, in my case, an anonymous website, I've been called an attention seeker, aha! which I am far from, and also I need to sort my priorities out? do I? really? I don't think I do. Funnily enough I think they do, seeing as this anonymous person can't speak their mind to my face, what has this generation come to? am I the only one that's old fashioned here? I mean if I have some issue with a person, I will most definitely tell them to their face what's bothering me. Maybe I stand alone on that one.
I feel like I'm babbling now aha, I'll post tomorrow! :)

Morning

Well its afternoon technically ha, Just sleep all the time lately!
probably not good for me at all. I have a job interview today, hope i get it, although i have zero motivation for anything at the moment. Got my official interview letter for college through yesterday aswell, thats on the 18th of this month. I don't really know what to say if i'm honest, might post again later if something inspires me aha.

Laters guys x

Hello

Well i spent most of today asleep, im so exhausted lately, mm fun i know.
I thought i'd show you a few things on my 'To Buy' list, i haven't shopped in a while, im having withdrawal symptoms, lol.

mmm beige mac, for some unknown reason i have never actually purchased one, but this year i most deffinately will, simple but classic!

>

Peach suede platform court shoe, gorgeous! i usually stick to blacks and dark colours when it comes to buying heels, but the upcoming season is all about pastels and i just had to hop on board!



Opaque stone ring, i love this, just a dash of colour to add to a simple outfit!




Theres loads of stuff i want to buy, and i'll get there eventually haha.

Bye!