Sleeping Sickness

'Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night has taken sides'

It's 3am...pretty normal for me to be awake at this time. I can't think, about anything, without reducing myself to tears. This world is so heavy, I can barely hold it on my shoulders, I feel so weak, I feel so...nothing. I don't understand why I'm here, I hate every second of every day, I can't even justify my existence, I don't understand what I'm here for, I wake up every single day, but for what?
I don't want to die, I just want something to live for. And it all seems so easy on paper..so why do I find it so hard?
I have absolutely no control over the way I feel, and I feel so fucking lonely. I'm awake when everyone else sleeps, I'm asleep when everyone else is awake, I barely ever leave my house, I can't even make an appointment with the doctor... why is it so hard for me to just open my eyes?
I wish I knew the answer, but I don't, I don't know anything, all I know is that I'm miserable and that I can't bare to live like this forever, I'm trying so hard to be able to get up, and do something, but I just can't...